Part 2: Pausing the Cycle - Reflection & Co-Regulation

Finding Our Way Back: A 3-Part Series on the Rupture-Repair Cycle In Relationships

Picture this. Your chest tightens. Your thoughts race. Your partner says something sharp and your voice rises in return. Or maybe you go the other way - shut down, go quiet, check out. You’re in the cycle. And in these moments, it feels impossible to stop. The momentum pulls you forward before you even realise it.

But here’s the good news: you can pause. Not by pretending everything’s fine, but by slowing down just enough to notice what’s happening inside you - and choosing how you respond.

The Three Questions

A simple way to pause is to ask yourself three gentle questions:

1. What am I noticing in my body? (tight shoulders, shallow breath, heart racing, numbness)

2. What might be driving this? (fear of rejection, shame, longing for closeness, sadness)

3. What do I need right now? (space, reassurance, honesty, accountability, connection)

   
   

These questions don’t “fix” a rupture. But they shift you from reacting automatically to responding with awareness. And that shift can change everything.

For example:

• “When I notice myself shutting down, I name it and ask for 10 minutes to breathe before we continue.”

• “When my chest tightens, I remind myself I’m really needing reassurance, not distance.”

Even small acts of noticing can catch the cycle earlier before it spirals into rupture.

Self- and Co-Regulation

When we’re upset, our nervous systems switch into fight, flight or freeze. The body is primed to defend, not connect. That's why arguments escalate so fast - we lose access to the calm, caring parts of ourselves.

The antidote is regulation - on your own and together.

Self-regulation:

Try:

• Moving your body (shake your hands, roll your shoulders).

• Grounding through your senses (notice 3 things you can see, hear or touch).

• Gentle pressure (hug your knees, press your palms together).

• Slow, deep breath with a sigh on the exhale.

Co-regulation:

Together, try:

• Gentle eye contact and a soft voice.

• Safe touch (holding hands, resting a palm on your partner’s arm).

• Sharing appreciation out loud.

• Small daily rituals (a morning check-in, an evening “How are we?” moment).

These small practices send a message to your nervous system: I’m safe. I’m not alone. And when your body feels safe, it’s easier to stay present and connected - even in hard conversations.

Why This Matters

Pausing creates space.

• Space to notice what’s happening in your body.

• Space to tend to your needs with compassion.

• Space to reach for your partner instead of pushing them away.

With practice, couples build new patterns of safety and connection. The triggers may still come, but the spiral is less steep — and the way back to each other becomes clearer.

Takeaway

The next time you feel yourself sliding into the cycle, pause. Notice your body. Name your needs. Reach for tools of regulation. Even the smallest pause can shift the direction of the moment.

In Part 3, we’ll explore what happens after rupture: how to repair. We’ll unpack what meaningful repair involves and introduce a practical tool - the Imago Dialogue - to help you listen, speak and reconnect with care.